One obvious fact about me is that I travel a lot. A lesser known fact about me is that I have McDonald’s cheeseburgers in every country I travel to. It’s something I’m actually pretty embarrassed about, but whatever. I’m normally a pretty healthy eater, but it’s the ultimate comfort food for me in moments when I have to navigate new streets, cultures, itineraries, and plans. Maybe it’s that childhood Happy Meal effect (I mean, the food itself is not that great), but it does have an oddly grounding effect on me.
So now, I’m sitting in McDonald’s in Jimbaran, where I was just dropped off to find an Uber to Amed or some other destination. I met a driver in the parking lot going to Lembongan Island, so I considered that as well. Going with the flow, after all. After a week of being in two villas and living an alternative lifestyle and spending 24/7 with a person I barely know and his friends, I am ready for me time. Meditation time. No more 10-drink nights every night. Coffee when I want it. Wifi when it’s available. Not being overly budget conscious all the time.
The best way to start this part of my journey is with a McDonald’s cheeseburger and an iced coffee (bad, but still so good). Back to me, childhood me. Basic wants and maybe needs.
This 8-day experience reminds me that relationships are hard. Why do we even do them? The reality of being so intertwined with another person and having each of you be an extension of the other is maddening and a recipe for some happiness but also a lot of unhappiness. I suppose it’s really about finding the right person and easing into things.
On day 6, I decided to cancel my return flight because I wanted to see what was ahead of me in Bali. I felt gravity keeping me in the villa or maybe it was laziness. As a bad omen, it immediately started pouring after my flight was supposed to leave for NYC, and the weather has been pretty bad ever since then. The waves have gotten really big, probably too big for me to surf. The comments towards me in the villa have become really cutting and mean from time to time, punctuated by small talk and some heavy bouts of pregnant silence. The pain and disappointment from the weather, missing home, and the social/relationship situation in front of me makes me seriously question my motivations for staying in Bali. It’s not such a sunny side up world right now. I suppose it’s a test.
As I said goodbye, he said, “come back” a few times. I think he meant it. Is he oblivious and insane? I’ve felt like the unwelcome shadow visitor for days. If and when I come back, it will be on my own terms, on my own turf, and I will have wifi and coffee whenever I want it.
I don’t want to be a tourist backpacking from place to place. I just want to be grounded and find my purpose. It’s less about physical place than mental space though. Maybe Amed will be good in that respect. Clearing out all the ripples of my mind so I can see what’s truly reflected when the noise and disruption disappears. I can’t wait for the seaside quiet. And in the meantime, I will savor McCafe, McCheeseburger, and hang on to these moments of home-like/me-like feelings.
Oh Jimbaran, the site of my first happiest moments on the shores in 2012 and now my second happiest moment in McDonalds out on the concrete streets somewhere beyond those beaches.