The desire to make a change didn’t happen overnight. It started with years of waking up and changing into my suit or business-wear. Mornings when I would wake up as one me and have to put on another face for work. When I had goals to meet, I always asked for more. I wanted to push the limits and always over-promise and over-deliver. I started to get somewhat jaded and desensitized because it stopped being fun. Continue reading The impetus to change
Monthly Archives: October 2016
The 50% rule
I was in an 11-year relationship (age 18-29). In the first relationship I got into after that, my new “boyfriend” (in retrospect, it’s pretty hard to think of him that way) was needless to say pretty insecure. I was banned from talking to my ex. He also referred to the 50% rule – apparently, it takes 1/2 the time you were in a relationship to get over that relationship. So…by my calculations, this March, I will be ready for love lol. I am starting to believe in this ridiculously crude metric. I’m starting to feel a bit more ready.
I try not to think too much about the moments we had together (with the 11-year domestic partnership), and when I do think about it, I tend to be a bit dismissive. But as I looked back on some of our old emails, I can see how loving we were with each other, even through the breakup. I don’t want to get back together with him, but it would be nice to be with someone like him. He made me laugh always, never for a minute throughout our 11 years did I feel anything less than loved and adored (even when I was a nightmare, which I often was), and being heard and listened to in that way. Reading these old emails, I do realize what I have been compromising. It is a big burden though to carry the weight of someone else’s love. It’s definitely easier to crush people when there are reasons to crush them.
Miss you, B! Of all the things I’m most grateful for in my life, you’ve gotta be near the top, if not straight up there as #1. Come back to us…
Snippets of Seoul
A few months ago, I saw London go from summer to fall. It happened in a day. I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop wearing a romper from Bali and flip flops shivering in recognition. Today, I’m in Seoul. It felt like early fall and t-shirt weather yesterday. Today, a chill has come and sunken the city down a few spinal layers. I’m feeling not just fall but DEEP fall and the start of winter approaching. It’s cold and rainy, and I’m wearing a ridiculous fox sweatshirt that my friend Lux called my midlife crisis sweatshirt. I don’t really know what that means.
My time in Seoul has been social but quieter, with room for introspection and good 1:1 conversations. I’ve gotten to know people better. I’ve appreciated the lack of defined schedule and the time to process. I started making videos of myself giving myself advice every time I have a major realization. Continue reading Snippets of Seoul
All glowsticks, Club Octagon
I’ve been trying to lead a monastic existence in Seoul of all places. The week passed with me mostly sitting in cafes or doing yoga and snacking at “home.”
Friday night arrived, and we decided to go out “Gangnam style.” Twelve of us gathered at a 5-story restaurant for shared tapas, which I had planned. Going into it, I knew it would end up being a bit chaotic given the number and mix of people. My new resolution is to not go out to dinner with more than 6-7 people max! The bill, the sharing, the conversation become tricky immediately as people are spread across a long table.
Sad and yet somewhat comically, everyone ended up getting so angry over the service. I don’t quite understand this, as there are so many things to get angry about in this world. It may be true that life seeps out through the tiny cracks in our existence – the minor inconveniences – vs. the big ones. Continue reading All glowsticks, Club Octagon
Nomad life in Seoul
Yesterday was a string of cafes. Slack messages were incoming gathering our disparate group of “digital nomads” together for cafe exploring while working. There was Cafe Kkrumer (Here Comes That Dreamer), where we worked on bean bags on the roof before moving to the outdoor patio. We then walked to a library cafe chock full of people but no coffee.
We walked around Hapjeong to Hongdae. Then dinner at a place called Ugly Stove, where we had brunch that wasn’t even real brunch. We had gotten so used to family style that even though we all ordered separately, we instinctively shared the dishes. The night was spent milling around the street food of Myeongdong.
Along the way, we talked a fair bit about nomadism. There’s a digital nomad conference happening in Bangkok next week. I commented that I was curious about it, but it probably didn’t suit me very well considering that I’m not really a digital nomad. Continue reading Nomad life in Seoul
New leaf
Bubbles are great. It is surprising how your mind state can shift so easily and dramatically. I’m in Seoul now, and I feel like a different person – back to myself. I’m sleeping more than 2-3 hours.
The weather here is springlike. The sun is shining. I basically haven’t left my Hapjeong hipster neighborhood. There is a cafe a block from my AirBNB called “Here Comes that Dreamer,” a sort of startup space and cafe. There is a rooftop with bean bag chairs. Somehow, I feel that I belong in this city.
One program of healing:
- Daily yoga
- Running
- Resting
- Cooking at home
- Being outside
- Learning new things
When I’m not sleeping in the future, I need to take myself out of commission so I can get some perspective. I am going to do that in the future. No more compromising on myself and my ideals, goals, and progress. I need to be compassionate with myself. I feel that I’ve wasted this past month in some ways by drinking too much, getting into a relationship of sorts, and not pursuing my goals sufficiently.
I made breakfast this morning.
I need a home.
A look back: My final week in Jeju
My time in tiny Jeju island off the coast of Korea was extremely good – emotional in many respects, overly stimulating at times – but an experience I will always value.
I unearthed some Korean language skills, saw some beautiful sights, made many new like-minded friends, had a love story, drank a bit too much. In this journey I’m on, it’s enriching to meet people who think or see the world in a similar way.
Some things I will miss: Continue reading A look back: My final week in Jeju
Street Food Seoul – Kkul Tarea (We are the world)
I arrived in Seoul on Monday, and I am loving the energy here. The street foods, the cafes, the art, the culture. I love being a hermit and feeling the vibes of a busy city while leading a very boring, un-extraordinary existence.
I loved watching a block of honey turned into thousands of honey strands the other day! A few indulgences here and there… Check it.
Supermoon Sunday
A supermoon is the coincidence of a full moon with the closest approach the moon makes to the Earth on its elliptical orbit. The technical name is the perigee-syzygy of the Earth-Moon-Sun system.
The full moon was 222,365 miles from Earth on Sunday at it shone overhead, so big and close and orange. That is 16% larger than average and almost 30% larger than the year’s smallest full moon. It reminded me of Smiling Buddha in Bali and the culture of measuring life in moon cycles.
It was my last day on Jeju Island. I woke up and did my daily ashtanga routine in unfamiliar surroundings. I was quiet within myself. We ate spicy kimchi fried rice for breakfast on the worn wooden floor on top of a folded blanket next to the yoga mat. There was an spoken and perhaps surreal, unknown finality to the start of the day. The alcohol drained from our system and pores, and life was real with a tinge of sad. Continue reading Supermoon Sunday
Last week in Jeju
The hour glass has been turned upside down. I want this to be a productive week, a mix of getting things done and socializing.
The Jeju checklist has been mostly completed. My goals for the week:
- Work on partnership opportunities
- Refine my business website and make it much better (launched my site yesterday!)
- Learn a new song on the guitar (started – just need to practice)
- Hike Halla Mountain (complete)
- Make my Seoul arrangements (complete)
- Learn some CSS and HTML to start
- Write a story
- Figure out what’s going on with me and J
- Run
- Yoga daily for the rest of the time I’m here
- Decide whether or not I should go to Chiang Mai
- Pick up my f***ing dry cleaning
- Publish my first Medium post
I don’t feel like I need to learn Korean anymore. It is important, but it’s not the most important thing for me.
Strange awakenings
I can no longer sleep through the night. What started as 3am risings has crept back to 1am. Now, I’m sleeping 2-3 hours a night. I am not overly tired, but I can’t imagine this is healthy.
Tonight, I woke up around 12:30am or 1am after going to sleep at 11pm. I had the feeling that I needed to do something. Maybe I was late or perhaps there was something that urgently needed to be dealt with. But there wasn’t.
And then I thought about the holidays. It is almost that time of year. It doesn’t feel like it, but time has passed, and it’s fall. I’ve been away from home for a long time. I imagined myself in my apartment making coffee, eating salami, sitting on my couch. All the normalish type things I once did. I remembered our Thanksgiving.
Today/tonight, my mind wandered to the song, “Have yourself a merry little Christmas.” I suppose that we are coming up on the time of year when Christmas music will start playing in stores. The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree will be lit. The streets will be cold, and everyone will be in puffy jackets and wool.
An extraordinary ordinary moment in time
The sun was setting over tofu and natto bibimbap. It wasn’t a beautiful sunset, but it was picturesque. I looked out beyond the window panes with the restaurant alight behind me, ahead to the placid waters.
We sipped soy milk that tasted like spun cream and with eyes closed, I swallowed. How decadent. Sauce was poured over crispy tofu balls, and then they were quartered crudely with wooden spoons and devoured. The delicate bibimbap was kept mostly intact with bites composed of components of rice, natto, egg, tofu, nori, and other unidentifiable saucy components. A long cobwebby string would form between the natto and my mouth with each bite, and I let the slime form down further into my gut.
In broken Korean, I ordered some ice cream and looked over at my dinner companion, feeling a way I haven’t felt in a long time. Coupled. Continue reading An extraordinary ordinary moment in time
Seeking wisdom from my higher self
Me: Yo Buddha.
Buddha: Yo.
Me: Is it okay to not know what I’m doing with my life?
Buddha: It is fine, but don’t let it be an excuse or a crutch. Action can be important in critical moments, but it is also the case that action can be addiction. Be purposeful in what you do and be true to yourself. Until you are ready to do that, it is more important to be still within yourself.
Me: Am I being still within myself now?
Buddha: I feel that you are asking the right questions, but I see you wearing yourself down with obligations, shoulds, and distractions. You seem to be saying YES a lot. You are open, but in opening so many pathways, be careful that you are prepared to walk through all of them. Continue reading Seeking wisdom from my higher self
Week 3 on Jeju island
- My daily ashtanga practice
2. Famous Jeju Stones
3. Jungmun beauty on a rainy day during rainy season
4. Naked Korean sauna day at Sanbangsan (not coed in the naked part)
5. Hiking parts of the beautiful Olle trails that encircle the island
6. The beautiful beaches, so many pretty ones
7. YO
8. Intro to Node programming course
9. Bing-su gathering
10. Nature near Seogwipo
11. Me doing what I do best (eating)
Decisions
I am at a juncture. I am at the end of my planned plans, one of my mental deadline of figuring things out. My original thought was to move to Seoul for a bit to work on my Korean. In the back of my mind, I wonder if this will lead to an eventual relocation.
Working in Korea sounds challenging. I wake up early, 5am early. Recently, it’s been 3am. Jeju-do is filled with tons of coffee shops. There are a few reasons for this, but the big one is that Koreans just don’t sleep. When I go to the coffee shop at 6am, I will see people in restaurants eating Korean BBQ and drinking soju! This has happened multiple times. There are a number of 24-hour coffee shops, and they are bumping. People work odd shifts. They study a lot. Overworking is a cultural phenomenon. Sadly, it’s a tough this to avoid when your life outcomes are so narrowly placed on tests and physical and other life attributes. The sense that you can just design your perfect life in a meandering way here is less prevalent than it is in the U.S. I feel extremely lucky in that regard. Continue reading Decisions