Last night, the moon started to come up, big in the horizon, the biggest moon we’ve seen on earth since 1948. It coincided with a few other both solemn and spiritual events.

It was the last day of the 30-day mourning period for King Bhumibol Adulyadej, the beloved king and ruler of Thailand for 70 years. It was the end of an era. And of course, at some point, we all need to move forward with the day-to-day.

The other big occasion is the annual festival of Loy Krathang, a festival paying homage to the water goddess at the end of the main rice season and harvest season. People gather at water sources with elaborate offerings adorned with lit up candles and incense and allow these ornamented pieces to float away. There is a beautiful cutting energy around letting go of past misfortunes and letting all the anger and grudges you have held onto float away down these canals. It marks the start of a year of good luck.

Jay and I walked the lengths of our beach Thong Nai Pan Yai, back and forth, back and forth for a few miles. The moon illuminated our path. We opened up about the things we wanted to let go of this year. I spoke about past relationships, pain and traumas from childhood, and a stressful way of living I had already started to leave behind.

Reflections from the past

Over the past few days, I have been examining and reexamining the patterns of my behavior and my existence. I read a book called The Drama of the Gifted Child, which has nothing to do with gifted children and more to do with the ways in which our childhood affects us. One of the main messages lies around the quest for our personal truth vs. intellectual wisdom. We cannot change the past, but we can change ourselves. We become free by being responsible individuals in the present who are aware of the past and thus able to live with it more consciously.

The book discusses the impact of repressed feelings and how it is expressed later on in life. For example, some women may choose to escape the brutalities of their childhood through men, alcohol, drugs, and achievement. Constant thrills can keep real emotions at bay. One may also have been in roles as a child where there were certain expectations put upon them on exactly how they should behave. Or perhaps they were constantly meeting and fulfilling the unmet needs of their parents.

I do feel that in my case, I am constantly oriented towards the needs of others, and it can be draining to be a people pleaser. This likely has roots in trying hard to please parents who were never happy with my achievements. The longer term impact of this is that trying to make other people happy has become a reaffirming pattern in my life. I don’t have children yet, but I suspect that with some fundamental aspects of love and acceptance missing from my life as a child, it may be hard for me to parent effectively without some seriously conscious thinking.

This is the first time I’m really asking myself questions about what I would like to truly do with my life vs. using career advancement and work to fulfill this unmet need. The stamp of accomplishment and ever-seeking approval is still there, this need to achieve, but I have a new perspective towards it.

The other book I’m reading is The Untethered Soul, which talks a lot about the role of the mind in filtering our views of the world. We certainly do see the world not as it is, but as we are. We cannot help but judge and interpret, all through the prism of our experiences, wishes, and insecurities.

Other than reading, I have taken time to be still and to just feel. I’ve allowed emotions to flow through me and to try to process them instead of fighting them.

Consolidating on the beach

These are the thoughts that were lurking in the backdrop as we sat on the far northern corner of the beach under the moon. The clouds parted and passed. At one point, the moon looked as though it were shrouded in an amethyst geode.

Jay and I talked about the things we would like to change and about relationships, which of course tend to be the source of the highest highs and the lowest lows in our lives.

In a moment of lightening, a dog came and joined us and we pet him for a while, enjoying the simplicity of the moment.

A few hours passed as we walked the length of the beach. I went back to the house for an interview and Jay had dinner. Then we rejoined to head to the river for Loy Krathong. At the temple, we knelt and gave offerings of incense and baht. And then we sat and watched people arrive with their homemade floats of incense and organic matter, beautiful bamboos and wax. They lit their floats and then gently placed them in the water. They prayed for fortune and for breaks in their past misfortunes. Peacefully, these floats lined up and traveled slowly on their way.